you have to decide whether or not you are going to continue to be her friend because she is using you like a crutch just like the alcholic is using her as a crutch you really dont need people in your life who have problems that they refuse to deal with but would rather complain to you about those problems she will always help him as long as you help her help him

Answer! Intervention! She is enabling him to be an alcoholic because there are no consequences for his behavior! She can't fix him! He has to fix himself! She has to tell him she is leaving - and mean it! He has to hit rock bottom, and taking away his support system will do that! No contact with any family members until he agrees to go to rehab! Yes, alcoholism is a disease, but there is only one treatment - abstinence! No more alcohol, ever! You are also enabling her by allowing her to play the role of victim! Stop now...

Answer! Intervention! She is enabling him to be an alcoholic because there are no consequences for his behavior! She can't fix him! He has to fix himself! She has to tell him she is leaving - and mean it! He has to hit rock bottom, and taking away his support system will do that! No contact with any family members until he agrees to go to rehab! Yes, alcoholism is a disease, but there is only one treatment - abstinence! No more alcohol, ever! You are also enabling her by allowing her to play the role of victim! Stop now! Don't listen to her complaints anymore! She does need to go to alanon - but he shouldn't be there with her! He doesn't belong there! She needs to learn how to deal with an alcoholic! He needs to learn to live without alcohol! Two totally different problems! Tell her this! Then back off until she does the right thing! You'll be doing her a favor!

Many times when family and friends try to "help" alcoholics, they are actually making it easier for them to continue in the progression of the disease.
This baffling phenomenon is called enabling, which takes many forms, all of which have the same effect -- allowing the alcoholic to avoid the consequences of his actions. This in turn allows the alcoholic to continue merrily along his (or her) drinking ways, secure in the knowledge that no matter h...

Many times when family and friends try to "help" alcoholics, they are actually making it easier for them to continue in the progression of the disease.
This baffling phenomenon is called enabling, which takes many forms, all of which have the same effect -- allowing the alcoholic to avoid the consequences of his actions. This in turn allows the alcoholic to continue merrily along his (or her) drinking ways, secure in the knowledge that no matter how much he screws up, somebody will always be there to rescue him from his mistakes.

What is the difference between helping and enabling? There are many opinions and viewpoints on this, some of which can be found on the pages linked below, but here is a simple description:

Helping is doing something for someone that they are not capable of doing themselves. Enabling is doing for someone things that they could, and should be doing themselves.

Simply, enabling creates a atmosphere in which the alcoholic can comfortably continue his unacceptable behavior.


Are you an enabler?
Here's a few questions that might help determine the difference between helping and enabling an alcoholic in your life:
1. Have you ever "called in sick" for the alcoholic, lying about his symptoms?
2. Have you accepted part of the blame for his (or her) drinking or behavior?

3. Have you avoided talking about his drinking out of fear of his response?

4. Have you bailed him out of jail or paid for his legal fees?

5. Have you paid bills that he was supposed to have paid himself?

6. Have you loaned him money?

7. Have you tried drinking with him in hopes of strengthening the relationship?

8. Have you given him "one more chance" and then another and another?

9. Have you threatened to leave and didn't?

10. Have you finished a job or project that the alcoholic failed to complete himself?


Of course, if you answered "yes" to any of these questions, you at some point in time have enabled the alcoholic to avoid his own responsibilities. Rather than "help" the alcoholic, you have actually made it easier for him to get worse.
If you answered "yes" to most or all of these questions, you have not only enabled the alcoholic, you have probably become a major contributor to the growing and continuing problem and chances are have become effected by the disease yourself.

As long as the alcoholic has his enabling devices in place, it is easy for him to continue to deny he has a problem -- since most of his problems are being "solved" by those around him. Only when he is forced to face the consequences of his own actions, will it finally begin to sink in how deep his problem has become.

Some of these choices are not easy for the friends and families of alcoholics. If the alcoholic drinks up the money that was supposed to pay the utility bill, he's not the only one who will be living in a dark, cold, or sweltering house. The rest of the family will suffer right along with him.

That makes the only option for the family seem to be taking the money intended for groceries and paying the light bill instead, since nobody wants to be without utilities.

But that is not the only option. Taking the children to friends or relatives, or even a shelter, and letting the alcoholic come home alone to a dark house, is an option that protects the family and leaves the alcoholic face-to-face with his problem.

Those kinds of choices are difficult. They require "detachment with love." But it is love. Unless the alcoholic is allowed to face the consequences of his own actions, he will never realize just how much his drinking has become a problem -- to himself and those around him.Get this information for your friend, don't desert her. She can't rescue her husband, but she can rescue herself and family.

Of all the 12-step programs, Al-Anon Family Groups has probably the most extensive library of Conference Approved Literature, explaining how the program works and how it has helped friends and families of alcoholics.

All of Al-Anon's literature is listed, described and available from its official web site along with a great deal of other information about the 12-step program of recovery.

Now Al-Anon has a secure order form on its web site where visitors can use credit cards and order literature online, or can print out the form and mail it with a check or money order. Purchases can be shipped to the buyer, or directly to a gift recipient.

Vast Library
The two Al-Anon daily readers -- the "new" Courage to Change and the classic One Day at A Time are available online along with many other books that have helped thousands of alcoholic families.
Some of the other titles available include:


Al-Anon Faces Alcoholism
Shows how Al-Anon helps families and friends of alcoholics.
Having Had a Spiritual Awakening...
A volume of personal sharings and photography helps readers to focus their personal spiritual thoughts using Al-Anon principles. Helps those affected by the family disease of alcoholism seeking peace and serenity.

The Dilemma of the Alcoholic Marriage
Can Al-Anon help your relationship? Explores the problems of alcoholism in marriage, and includes tips for applying the Twelve Steps to relationships.

From Survival to Recovery:
Growing up in an Alcoholic Home
Al-Anon adult children tell their stories -- with pathos and humor, with courage and rigorous honesty -- revealing the pain, recovering the past, and renewing the hope for all of us.

Lois Remembers
Lois W., a co-founder of Al-Anon recalls the eventful years before and after the founding of AA and Al-Anon.

Paths To Recovery
Al-Anon's Steps, Traditions, and Concepts Shares love, compassion and challenge; the experience, strength and hope of Al-Anon members' personal growth experiences worldwide. Long awaited and asked for -- at last, an in depth study of Al-Anon's three legacies, the Twelve Steps, Twelve Traditions, and Twelve Concepts.


Videos and Pamphlets
Along with dozens of excellent inexpensive pamphlets that help explain how Al-Anon works, the web site also offers several video tapes for sale. Those titles include:

Al-Anon Speaks for Itself
Acquaints new members, the professional community, and the public with the essence of Al-Anon.
Alateen Tells It Like It Is
Three youths tell what it's like to grow up in an alcoholic home, how they found Alateen, and why they stayed.

Walk This Path of Hope: Al-Anon in Institutions
Al-Anon members share personal Institutions service experiences.


Of course the quickest way to obtain Al-Anon literature is at your nearest Al-Anon Family Group meeting. Click here to find a meeting near you.