In the Golden Days of Yore, response cards just "weren't done." Invitations never said "RSVP" either. In a time when protocol ruled the day, and correspondence and social calling were everyday custom, a person who was invited to an event of any kind would immediately pick up pen and paper and write a response to the host on his or her personal stationery. To "instruct" someone to respond would imply that they weren't well-mannered enough to do it of their own accord.
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In the Golden Days of Yore, response cards just "weren't done." Invitations never said "RSVP" either. In a time when protocol ruled the day, and correspondence and social calling were everyday custom, a person who was invited to an event of any kind would immediately pick up pen and paper and write a response to the host on his or her personal stationery. To "instruct" someone to respond would imply that they weren't well-mannered enough to do it of their own accord.
But society relaxed a bit, and the rules changed. It's no longer considered rude to encourage guests to RSVP, or even to provide the means; today, it is viewed as a courtesy.
A casual invitation merits a casual response. A formal invitation merits a formal response. If the host requested that you respond a certain way, it's polite to do it that way so as not to mess with whatever "system" he or she will have working for head count.
If the invitation says "Please reply by January 12, 2005," or "The favour of a reply is requested by November 20, 2004," please do follow it. The hostess is trying to coordinate food, refreshment, seating, parking, payments and many other things that will come together to show you a good time.
If you miss the date for sending in your RSVP card -- then it's time to forget mailing the card and buck up and pick up the phone. The hostess needs to know right away whether or not you are coming.
If you missed the requested RSVP date and you are declining: a simple and fast apology, a la, "Jenny, I'm sorry I didn't get back to you earlier, but I'm afraid we won't be able to make the wedding," is all that is needed. Don't waste her time or yours on a lot of drummed-up excuse, for either why you can't attend or why you didn't get the card in by the date.
If you missed the requested RSVP date and you are accepting: you need to be apologetic plus hopeful in tone. "I really hope we aren't too late, but we'd be honored to attend your wedding! We're so excited!" A polite bride will say that, of course you aren't too late, she can't wait to see you, thanks so much for calling.
(A bride who gets all huffy would do well to remember that you might not have called at all, and should settle down. Go and eat her tenderloin and drink her father's liquor with glee.)
When the Response Card is Enclosed With the Invitation...
There are three different scenarios that you might commonly encounter: blank, traditional, and menu choice. With a blank card, you are simply to write a brief sentence stating that you will or will not be attending. If the invitation is formal, you should respond formally, which requires using your social titles and writing in the third person. (How can you tell? If the attire is specified as black tie optional, black tie, or white tie, the invitation is formal; likewise, if the invitation uses British spellings such as "The honour of your presence," "The favour of a reply," etc.)
INFORMAL INVITATION, BLANK CARD
What matters here is insuring that your language informs the hostess as to exactly who will or won't be attending. With the formal language, there can't be a doubt -- but a "Can't wait! Love, Us!" is going to cause problems. Also, always include your last name. You aren't the only "Mike" the couple knows, and if you RSVP that way, you aren't helping matters.
Sometimes if the event is to be a seated dinner, the hosts will request your menu selection in advance so that they can give an accurate headcount to the caterer. That part of the response card might look something like this:
______ roast chicken ______ salmon meuniere
Or, something like this:
______ fish _______ beef _______ chicken
You could just make a check mark, but make your host's life easy: write a numeral in the appropriate space. If there are two or more attending, be sure you indicate enough preferences. If you just put an X in front of "beef", the hosts will assume that both of you want the beef.
Do not:
* Scribble comments about the menu choices, even in jest. "Where's the beef, ha ha ha" = not actually funny.
* Request something that is not on the card -- even if you keep kosher and the choices are pork or oysters... even if you have a terrible gluten allergy... even if you are doing South Beach Diet... even if you are vegan. Your options are strictly what is on the card.
* Leave the card blank. If you know that you will not be eating at the event, for whatever reason, just mark the vegetarian option or the chicken option (presumably the least expensive) and let it go. You can put your napkin on your lap and socialize with your dinner companions and not make a scene about the food. (and if you can't manage that, you should stay home)
A formal RSVP card is usually plain white or ecru with black printing or engraving. There will be a space to fill in your name and whether you are attending. It will look something like this:
M__________________________________
will ________ attend
Please reply by January 12, 2005
To respond with this sort of card, you should complete your social title behind the M (so that it reads Mr., Miss, Mrs., etc. For a couple, you can put "M/M" and it is understood.), and then fill in your full name.
On the second line, if you are accepting, leave the space after "will" blank.
If you are declining, write the word "not" in the space.
With a card like this, if one of the invited persons in your party is declining but others are attending (for example, the husband is out of town so the wife is attending alone), use the M-line for the person who will attend, and then underneath the printing, you can simply write "Mr. Wilson regretfully declines."
Do not accept for more people than were invited. Just don't.
Whoever was specifically invited in writing on the invitation or envelope are the only people that have been invited. If you are single and the bride doesn't specifically put "and guest," then YOU WERE NOT INVITED WITH A GUEST.
THERE ARE NO EXCEPTIONS TO THIS RULE.
(now, there are some very particular exceptions to when you may call the bride and possibly get some extra people invited... but you DO NOT JUST ADD THEM TO THE RSVP.)
